Balance

I made a list of pros and cons in relation to my mental health and it’s treatment. I took into account:-

• how I am feeling
• the benefits of the medication
• the side effects of the medicationt
• the benefits of the therapy
• the drawbacks of the therapy
• the invasiveness of the CMHT
• the effect on my work
• the time spent on appointments

I came to the conclusion that the cons outweigh the pros and to be honest I think I an feeling worse right now because of the CMHT so I am discharging myself. No more meds, appointments or therapy. As from now I am reducing my meds and I will cancel all appointments on Monday morning.

I am not scared just relieved.

Good Little Psyche Patient

Work is going OK but I have only been there for a total of five hours. I am more clear about what it is they want me to do and to be honest I do have the skills to do it. It is around redesigning systems and processes to improve service; at the moment everything is a little piecemeal and held together with sellotape.

My mental state however is not that good, I am lost in a fug of depression which just gets denser and deeper. I continue to take my pills like the good little psyche patient I am, in fact I have to get my Lithium levels checked tomorrow. Today I heard voices almost constantly and concentration was a bit of a worry but I got through it

I see my Shrink on Tuesday so I will check with him if it is OK to take the odd extra anti-psychotic.

I like this song

Work Again

I am going back to work today. Trouble is I don’t feel too great right now and I haven’t for a few days, however I need to go back so that is what I will do.

Saw my CC yesterday and it was a good meeting as she really does help in that she makes me feel less alone in this morass of mental illness.

Thats the thing about MH issues – loneliness . You can have family and friends around you and also the professionals but ultimately you are alone. Right now I feel very lonely.

A tune that always cheers me up

Ramblings

I can’t really think of anything to write so I will just meander on about nothing in particular. I am excited about my return to work – I have lots of plans – I have been asked to look at revamping a service so it will mean a lot of work when I get back into it. I am going back on a phased return so it will be after the new year that I get fully up to speed. I have a few ideas already and am putting them down on paper but of course when I get in to it I will probably find these plans still need a lot of work.

I feel better than I did yesterday – a lot better I just hope I aren’t going to go all peaks and troughs and that the good days get more and the bad days less. I read yesterdays post and the one about stopping my medication. Right now stopping my medication seems a bad idea still it could all be different tomorrow.

I read another blog about how rubbish services are in other places. I have to say my CMHT does what is says it will when it says it will and it keeps me informed. My Shrinky is very good and my CC is too, but then I don’t really want them in my life that much and they know this – perhaps they are glad about it. The Crisis Team are diabolical though and the local Psyche Hospital is abysmal. When i was in there under section it was awful.  There was a lot of tokenism like daily patient meetings and such but when it came to it you had to take your Lorazepam or else.

Postive Action

My mood at the movement is quite positive, I feel a bit more together than I have for a while and I am being productive instead of sitting and thinking stuff. The house is spotless, been cooking a lot, all the clothes are clean. I am preparing for my return to work, written a few lists of things I need to do i.e. get a new bag, diary, stationary (I love new stationary – pads, notebooks, pens, pencils, feltpens, rubbers, rulers, highlighters, those little sticky tags things you can get, did I say pads and notebooks?) Tried writing a few action plans but they aren’t good enough so must do more work on them.

I am beginning to wonder if I really need the medication and especially the Lithium. I feel like I could stop it and see how things go, I hate it anyway and sometimes I do wonder if they just fob you off with what they can think of to keep you quiet. I will I think write some questions to ask Shrinky when I see him that’s if I go at allnot even sure if I need their help (?) anymore.

Work

I am going back to work, I went back once and didn’t do so well for a variety of reasons; but I am giving it another try. I want to work and I am sure, despite it all I can work. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think work is a panacea or the answer to all ills, just I want to work. I am sure I can, I know I can – so here I am the little loon who thinks she can. I need to work too, I have people who depend on me.