I had a nice Christmas – I enjoyed it. I was with my family and it was good to see them all. Christmas is over commercilised and I really aren’t religious but if it suddenly disappeared I would be sad.
I have had my Lithium increased as well as my anti-psychotic and you know what? I feel a bit better, it has been a pain sticking with the medication and several times I have nearly stopped them but now I can put my hand on my heart and say the medication helps. Now I aren’t wanting to become the poster girl for medication because it has taken me a lot of false starts to get here and some of those false starts have been very painful but right now the drugs do work!
The medication seems to have taken the edge of the voices that plague me and also the therapy is helping me to handle them a lot better, once again I have to say that the therapy hurts a lot of the time; it drags up stuff which sometimes I think would be better off left buried, but looking back I am in a better place than I was three months ago.
All this sounds positive and to be frank it is. Don’t get me wrong I am not about to burst into song and I think I have a long way to go, no doubt I will falter in the times ahead but right now I am still here!
Work is going OK but I have only been there for a total of five hours. I am more clear about what it is they want me to do and to be honest I do have the skills to do it. It is around redesigning systems and processes to improve service; at the moment everything is a little piecemeal and held together with sellotape.
My mental state however is not that good, I am lost in a fug of depression which just gets denser and deeper. I continue to take my pills like the good little psyche patient I am, in fact I have to get my Lithium levels checked tomorrow. Today I heard voices almost constantly and concentration was a bit of a worry but I got through it
I see my Shrink on Tuesday so I will check with him if it is OK to take the odd extra anti-psychotic.
Saw my nice Shrinky today and have to start the Lithium tonight. He was very informative and told me the risks and presumed benefits of the drug, the most common side effects, that it might take a long time to work and that it might do nothing at all. I don’t think he could have told me any more than he has. It has to be titrated so it means blood tests for a while till it is at the right level in my blood. Whatever will be will be.
Also went for my eyes testing, I get light flashes and stuff which are almost certainly due to me being bonkers but as my glasses seem to be no good to read with now I thought an eye test would be in order. Apparently my eyes are getting worse due to my getting older so I have two shiny new pairs of glasses on order (buy one get one free!). Another reason I must go back to work!
I was troubled with the voices quite a lot today. they always kick up an unpleasant fuss when I see Shrinky (I think he scares them) and plus with the eye test I was in strange surroundings which also makes them kick off. Tonight has been a lot better and they have been quiet. I have been finding stuff that help me cope with them and things like deep breathing and stuff help but in the middle of the Opticians it’s a bit hard to ask them to hang on while you do three mantras and a bit of heavy breathing.
My mood at the movement is quite positive, I feel a bit more together than I have for a while and I am being productive instead of sitting and thinking stuff. The house is spotless, been cooking a lot, all the clothes are clean. I am preparing for my return to work, written a few lists of things I need to do i.e. get a new bag, diary, stationary (I love new stationary – pads, notebooks, pens, pencils, feltpens, rubbers, rulers, highlighters, those little sticky tags things you can get, did I say pads and notebooks?) Tried writing a few action plans but they aren’t good enough so must do more work on them.
I am beginning to wonder if I really need the medication and especially the Lithium. I feel like I could stop it and see how things go, I hate it anyway and sometimes I do wonder if they just fob you off with what they can think of to keep you quiet. I will I think write some questions to ask Shrinky when I see him that’s if I go at allnot even sure if I need their help (?) anymore.
I feel quite good today, I feel like I am getting to grips with things but I am aware this can be transient. I have been to the gym and done a bit of running but not too much as my old hip joints protest – running makes me feel better. Listened to my MP3 player whilst I ran and a track I really like came on – will try and add it to this post – You Tube allowing.
After therapy (I really hate the word therapy) I have been trying a different track with the voices I hear – it sounds daft but I treat the voices like naughty kids and won’t take any grief off them without giving them some back; an example being if they say I am fat (which I am sort of chunky) I might say back that yes I am fat but at least I can run 4-5 km no problem. It doesn’t always work but it does seem to help and is better than doing as they tell me which I sometimes do to keep them quiet and happy. It may seem a little weak doing as I am told but sometimes I will do (almost) anything for a bit of peace.
I belong to an internet forum for voice hearers and it is interesting all the different theories people have about why they have voices; they range from FBI conspiracies to astral jumping to angels to spirits. I think that they are a sign of internal distress but I also believe they are from other dimensions and that the distress makes you susceptible to the voices. I am not at all sure they can be put down to simple auditory hallucinations. Many people give voice hearing a religious perspective saying they hear Gods voice or that of the Devil, I cannot subscribe to this as I am not religious at all, but it all gets confusing when you try and catergorise things. I do not think I will ever be rid of the voices I hear but I hope to be able to live in peace with them – I think that the peace comes when you find your own explanation that fits within your own beliefs, I hope I am finding my way to that now.
Posted by p3bbles 
Posted by p3bbles 
Posted by p3bbles 